01 April 2015

Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away

Source: The Onion

Forlano says he can’t wait to move hundreds of miles away and wind up in just as soulless of a job and living situation.

TEMPLE TERRACE, FL—Feeling the need to get out of his suburban hometown and make a fresh start for himself, local man Gregory Forlano told reporters Tuesday he is seriously considering throwing all his belongings in the back of his car and making the exact same mistakes someplace far away.

The 36-year-old Florida native said that after years feeling dissatisfied with his stale social life, his tedious dead-end job, and the monotony of his daily routine, he is on the verge of severing all ties to his current life in the Tampa area and lapsing into an equally unfulfilling existence for himself in a brand-new city.

“I’ve just been spinning my wheels in this town for so long; I feel like I need to get out of here and become mired in the same problems somewhere completely new,” said Forlano, adding that his discontent over residing in a cramped one-bedroom apartment and patronizing the same two dive bars with a group of shiftless, unambitious friends every weekend had motivated him to seek out an identically limited and unsatisfying existence outside of his comfort zone. “I could really use a change of scenery. It’s about time I headed to some new city where I can start over with a totally blank slate and instantly stumble backward into the same self-defeating behaviors that will ultimately leave me in an indistinguishable, pitiful situation within months.”
“I don’t know where I’m going to fritter away the next stage of my life just like I’ve wasted the previous two decades, but I know it can’t be here,” he continued.

Forlano told reporters that he hopes to leave behind the drudgery of his present lifestyle by taking to the open road with no destination in mind and driving until he finds another town where he feels he can put down new roots, continue making no effort to improve himself, and never pursue his passions. The unmarried administrative assistant added that he often spends his time daydreaming about making the move to a far-flung location where he would be surrounded by entirely new people with whom he could reassume his dispiriting series of disappointing OkCupid dates and brief, dysfunctional relationships.

Explaining how he believed he needed to “really shake things up,” Forlano emphasized that the time had come for him to get out of Florida and slip into a virtually identical pattern of ordering takeout from one of three nearby restaurants and spending his ample downtime watching reruns of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit in an entirely different state.

“I’ve gotten so used to being unfulfilled here that sometimes I forget there’s a whole wide world out there where I could be equally depressed and joyless,” said Forlano, adding that he has begun asking himself what’s stopping him from being just as miserable in Atlanta, Nashville, or even San Francisco. “There are so many amazing places that I’ve never been to before, and I feel I owe it to myself to take advantage of some new opportunities to experience the crushing professional stagnation and perpetual self-loathing I’ve always felt.”

“Honestly, at this point, I might just throw a dart at a map and go be a useless fuckup wherever it lands,” he added.

At press time, Forlano had reportedly reconsidered his choice, committing himself to digging even deeper into his rut in his hometown for the foreseeable future.

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